You’re always keeping me on my toes, universe. The constant ebb and flow of give and take. But even when it feels I’m whittled down, I still got gifts no one can take away from me, I know it’s your way of saying, “Use them!” Then what unfolds~magick ✨.

Henry and I have been using our creativity in new ways, been guided into wielding different resources, and now the world has been opening up and I feel a new sense of hope and rejuvenation.

Although it’s now summer in most of the places I’ve called home and everything is in full bloom, it’s winter here in Peru ~a time of hibernation. A time to keep warm and burn wood, create fire, and transform. Alchemy. The world is so chaotic, but we are here in the sacred valley, and I’m here to learn and grow. Connect deeper, so that I may emerge into spring, not something new, but a perennial. Continually coming back with what has always been inside me, waiting to be expressed, but also with a new freshness that is unique and brilliant.

What I really want to share is this feeling of magick. Because we all could do with a little brilliance in our lives. I hope that you can see the light shine through just enough when it looks so dark around you, and put your energy into that light, because I promise you, there is something waiting to bloom there.

PS. Happy summer/winter solstice wherever you may be in this planet. 🌈

The Mystic of India

It’s my last day in India, finishing off the last leg of this trip on my own. I had so many life changing experiences, it’s difficult to figure out how to succinctly put it all down in a single post. What I’m feeling right now in this moment, as I sit rooftop overlooking the busy street bazaar in New Delhi, is the kindness of strangers which has enveloped me. It’s something I write about often: being alone in a foreign place, and how strangers-momentary guardians, offer their love in simple yet immensely beautiful ways.

After spending a couple days in Rishikesh upon completing my yoga teacher training, I sat on a bench with too much luggage (still haven’t learned by now how to travel light), waiting for my train from Haridwar to New Delhi. I stood up knowing that I’d be sitting for quite some time on the train, and noticed the young woman who had been sitting beside me. I smiled at her and she smiled back. She reached for her phone, and without saying a word, I nodded and sat back down next to her. In India, travelers are a guest, and it’s considered a great honor to have you. Someone asking to take a photo of or with you is their way of saying, ‘we are friends, welcome to my country, and you are divine,’ To sum it up ;). We took a few selfies together, and for that moment, as we made a montage of silly faces at the camera, I felt like I was killing time with a friend I’ve known for ages. As she put her arm around me and came close, even resting her shoulder on mine, I embraced the moment and played along. I took my phone out and did the same. Though we never spoke a word the entire time, and after the photos were over we sat quietly in our own worlds again, it reminded me how easy it is to connect. All it took was a smile and an open mind.

Once I boarded the train, I noticed I was the only foreigner. An older woman looked at me with kindness and curiosity as I made myself comfortable on the sleeper train. She began asking me questions in Hindi which another passenger began translating for me. She repeated her answers to her female friend who shared her same interest in me. The sweetness in her eyes filled me with gratitude of her presence, and in that moment I understood how you can easily love someone you know nothing about. After about an hour or so on the train, her friend sat beside me. She reminded me of a grandmother. Her hair was white and she wore glasses. She sat comfortably crossed legged in her green baggy pants and matching sari. She asked me many questions about where I had been, what I was doing and about my life. Never speaking a lick of English. Another man who was seated next to us helped us translate to each other but mostly I tried to learn some Hindi words and figure out her gestures. She began feeding me an assortment of nuts and baked goods,some sweet and some savory, topped with spiced pickles that are a popular side here. At first I tried to kindly refuse, but it was clear she wanted to share and take care of me, so I made her happy as we sat mostly silent and smiling on the sleeper bed together.

I had been reading Shantaram while she was next to me, momentarily resting my book to talk with her or look out the window. The main character had just been ‘adopted’ as a son and brother to two men he barely knew, and in that moment I thought, this is my grandmother, and for that short, sweet little time, she was. My heart swelled with the synchronicity of silent messages which have been appearing like little flowers through cracks of concrete.

The two men who had helped me translate earlier, informed me of my stop and carried my bags out of the train, ensuring I was taken care of for the next part of my trip to my hotel. Over and over again, I have been floating with the current, hands reaching out to mine to help me along when the waters become rough or stagnant. Mama River Ganga, the constant purifying flow, you are with me.

I had been so stressed out about my flight getting changed to the wrong date and needing to figure my travel arrangements, but in the midst of the chaos, there has been so much love and compassion. I’m reminded that we come from so many stories and experiences, but it is possible to let that all fall away and to share the simple beautiful moment of now with each other.

The connections I have made here mesmerize me. Past traveling friends I have literally ran into, guardians masked as strangers, memories reinvented to the present, love evolving in new forms. The mystic of India is real, as is the mystic of life itself.

Dear Fiji,

I’ve been here for 5 months now. I’ll be leaving in two weeks. Throughout it all, I am immensely grateful to have finally gotten to know my family here. Fijians are truly some of the most gracious people on the planet and I’m proud of my heritage.

The goal was never to ‘find my people,’ but to uncover parts of myself through understanding my heritage. Through this I have been in the presence of so many celebrations and witnessed the family ties that are woven so tight and intricately together, the connections both amaze and confuse me. I’ve been forgiven for the many ignorant faux pas, and taught so many customs, I’ve been shown the old ways. The past of my ancestors has been revealed to me like my people before me, spoken. Ive been surrounded by more children in the past few months than I probably have my entire life. I’ve bushwhacked up the mountains learning about my waring cannibal ancestors. I’ve climbed the foot worn paths to where the purest Kava grows. I’ve drank plenty of grog, and no, I don’t mind the taste at all. In fact, there’s something I quite enjoy about it’s earthiness, and it’s always gonna be a high tide bilo for me! I’ve sat in prayer many a time, my head bowed in masu. I’ve frequented the local buses, welcoming the fully open windows (or mostly nonexistent) with the drivers blasting reggae dance hits. I’ve walked the city streets well enough to know my way around, clutching my bag all the while. I’ve nearly gotten my phone stolen. I’ve gotten a tattoo (which I get stopped all the time about and I shamelessly love it). I’ve tasted more versions of curry than I thought possible (goat is my favorite…sorry goats!!). I’ve eaten the biggest, freshest tuna. I’ve shed some tears as a result of being too enthusiastic with chili peppers. I’ve gotten dengue fever at least 3 times and learned my lesson from drinking tap water. I’ve experienced koro or village life, how life runs so differently than in the urban areas. I’ve been a participant (sometimes unwillingly) of ‘Fiji time.’ I’ve swam in the clearest blues of waters on the quietest of empty beaches. Some things are still sacred.

Even as much as I’ve been so deeply embraced, there are days I feel I am a stranger. Which has nothing really to do with my family, as I feel similarly with my family in the states which I’ve known since I can remember. As I’ve always thought, I am a lone wolf running temporarily with a pack from time to time.

Still there are days when I’m overcome with loneliness. I sit on the bus, the warm sun on my shoulders, wind blowing, music loud, and I feel that knowing- I am a stranger. But then I go to the market, pick some apples, and the vendor asks where I’m from. How long have I been here? And just this little conversation brings me back to. Usually it’s followed by are you married, which always solicits this internal eye roll. But, I always find it funny, and always walk away smiling.

Continually I learn that I am never alone, and even in the moments when I’m feeling so fragile, there is someone, noticing me. Fiji, I have seen you, and I’ve tried my best to be open to you so that I can let you in. Thank you for all your lessons, all your embraces, your open waters and beaches. I will never forget you.

Where am I?

In Fiji, yes I’ve been here for 3 months and have lots to say about that (for another post), but where am I? You know, in terms of personal evolution. Well, I can tell you thanks to social media, namely Instagram, I’m judging myself thinking, ‘why haven’t you done that yet?’ ‘Why aren’t you there yet?’ ‘You probably shouldn’t have eaten those 5+ cookies because then you’d be closer to getting that body.’ Whoa. I know. But I’m human and I have to remind myself we are all at different states of being.

Right now, my state of being is inhabiting a 31 year old body; visiting my mother’s side of the family in Fiji since 21 years by myself; and the most expensive thing I own is my phone, which is 2+ years old. So for anyone in their early 20s or fresh out of college wondering what the hell they’re going to do with their lives- relax…no, actually calm the fuck down- I’ve been floating in a bubble of unknown for 5 years.

As a psychic once told me of my view on life, “This is fun and all, but what am I doing here?” By no means has the past 5 years been unproductive. I’ve discovered myself and cultivated a loving relationship with myself that is always growing. It’s not just one of those,’Hey self, you’re cool- I love you,’ kind of relationships; it’s been a journey of listening. It’s been figuring out what nutrients my body needs, putting myself in situations that result in growth, recognizing the balance between pushing and coddling, honoring my intuition, encouraging myself to try new things, and letting go of fear. I’ve literally spent all this time raising myself. It’s strange to think of it in this way, but I think I’ve been a pretty good guardian to myself.

I don’t have what most people have or strive for in this stage of life- a family, steady career, house, car, retirement plan, and if I were to compare my accomplishments in this way, yeah, I’d kinda feel like a loser. But I don’t, and I’m abundant in so many other ways. I have a loving partner, whose also my best friend, on top of having an amazing support group of cherished people, I’m in freaking FIJI writing a book, and (besides my student loans 😢), I’m FREE.

This buzz kill once told me, “Well, the fun has to end sometime.” You have no idea how much that annoyed the shit out of me. Firstly, people forget we all struggle. Secondly, deciding not to choose the societal mold of a 9-5 and everything that goes with it does not necessarily mean it’s an irresponsible choice. I think just the opposite actually. My choice to free myself from the manacles society has created, allowed for self exploration- to get at the core of what truly matters, and know that life is meant to be lived, and not be a slave to it.

I consider myself a late bloomer. I didn’t have my path figured out early, and that’s ok. Heck, all this time being free, maybe I’ll avert that midlife crisis! But really, this post isn’t about explaining why I’m here and not there, but an attempt to express that success needs redefinition. It frustrates me that for many, success is a struggle where the end of the rainbow is a new car, six pack abs and a thigh gap, and a 6 figure salary. Success is about fulfillment as it speaks to your true self. It’s personal. When we are stripped of our physical world what is left?

For myself, it is the experiences, the love, the compassion, the hope. So to answer my question of where am I? I’m exactly where I need to be. How about you?

Podcast to Listen to : A New Definition of Success + The Spirituality of Success From Author of ‘Earth is Hiring’ by Peta Kelly


Strange occurrences unfold at night. On Easter or as I prefer, Ishtar, dreams of a fertile womb. A sign this heart is evolving and I am aligning with the seeds of spring. How beautiful to feel so connected and in love.

The very next evening, trickery, the universe wants to play. Peacefully, in the small hours, eyes flutter open. There’s a figure standing at the edge of the bed. Still as the night, their face glows in the darkness. Overcome with fear and panic, I cry out. Suddenly, synapses connect and I realize, it’s Kincy. I share a room with her at my cousin’s house (or as everyone properly refers to as the Doctor’s headquarters); she’s back from spring break. Her eyes barely move from the glowing screen of her phone. In unison, knowing laughter escapes us, but it is much too late to give a hearty effort. I roll back to sleep.

Later, as if to reconcile prankster terrors of the night, I wake myself up laughing aloud from a dream. Curious night, you present me with surprises.

The air is ionized. Every evening the sky strikes up in lightning. Palm trees outlined in yellow and purple brilliance. Shutting my eyes, I breath electrified air. Dreams are infiltrated by a galvanized atmosphere. Alchemy.

I walk up a spiral staircase, but suddenly I’m holding on by my hands and arms, as if the world has turned upside down. There is no fear of falling, no questioning of this trick of gravity, and no knowledge as to where this Escher-like staircase leads. There is only determination.

Under another evening’s sleeping spell, I live in a world of concrete- stories stacked on stories, escalators, elevators, vendors, and back alley apartments. There’s a frantic element to the air, this world is on the verge of collapse, and I sense it is biological.

I venture down. Down, down, down to the underground. I know I’m not supposed to be there, but I wander freely, unnoticed. Glass rooms where scientists work, hallways filled with people, steam emanating from rooms of science. I know the answer is there. I go back up and tell everyone, “Go down, underground, you’ll find safety there.”

Morning. Eyes open. I rise. Walk down the hall.

“Yadra, Fay.”

“Yadra, Yadra.” Good morning, good morning.

I write, I read, I stretch. Breathing in the smell of wet earth that only constant rain can bring- this weather that keeps me inside, and in turn, inward.

Within my creative process dreams merge with walking life, alchemically the symbols breath themselves into knowing. The path becomes discernible: inward, go inside to see.

The journey from night into day, darkness to light, dream and waking life, I wander the trails of this existence and feel the singular bond between my blood and ancestral grounds. It is here I am meant to connect the outer and the inner worlds and fuse my own alchemy, the magic of this life.

Sacred Journey

The air is humid. I have a nice shimmery glow from a film of sweat that never seems to go away. I’ve sworn off all things starch. I don’t want to look at another piece of jackfruit, kasava, Dalo, or bread again. Every meal, really? Fijians love their starch. Today I feel I’m risen from the dead. In the past week I have experienced dengue fever, a cold, and yesterday the woes of accidentally drinking tap water. Whatcha got for me next, Fiji? But seriously, be easy on me!

Pilgrimage. My holy yearning. Fiji is my journey of the soul and now I am understanding what sacrifice means in the sense of pilgrimage. Sacrifice, from the Latin term sacrificium, to make sacred. Sacred journeys are meant to be wrought with hardship. How can you know what something is really worth if you haven’t had to fight for it? On my sickest of days, I cried daily, being brought into the darkest parts of myself, my internal sufferings inflamed from my burning fever.

Today I woke, the nausea gone, my lips chapped from dehydration. I’m alive. My Na Lika (Auntie) had asked me to go to the hospital last night, but I refused (we live at the doctors headquarters because my cousin is the only surgeon for the hospital). I can make this on my own. I know my body’s limits. And today, I know I’ve crossed the hump.

It sounds silly in a way to feel you have accomplished something out of pure suffering, but I have. I’ve gotten to know myself better. I know that I am terribly sensitive and fragile, but my will power is stronger. I have an inner fight inside myself that I know I can rely on. And I know that I need love. Yes, physically, I’ve come to Fiji on my own, but in times when I need guidance, someone to talk to, a friend, I reach out. How powerful is that, to hear that you are loved?

I’ve made it through my first month here, with some tests to be sure, but I’m ready to continue on. I know there is more to experience, both beautiful and difficult. But I’m embracing it all, I don’t want anything to slip through my fingers. I’m alive, so let’s get on living!

Lessons From Within

Can you see me? Deep, deep down? My heart is wide open, and there’s lots of room. I’m going on a journey to find my way back home. Crossing the ocean to reach my islands. They’ve been waiting so long. So much longing, but still I’m afraid, says the child inside.

My mother tells me, “I carried you in my womb. Still I carry you. When you walk with your bare feet on the ground, I hold you. When you rest your head on a coconut tree, I am there.”

But what if I fall?

My grandmother tells me, “When your tears fall, I have sat beside you and cleaned your face. My hands have touched yours. When you weep, it is a prayer, and I am there.”

But what if I get lost?

My sister tells me, “You’ve come as a seeker. You are a warrior. You are a goddess. When you look up at the stars, I see you. You’ve come for a reason, and you are guided. You’re never alone.”

My sister, my grandmother, my mother- they are all parts of me, pieces of my heart. I’ve come here to love and learn about love. And I know there is still room in my heart, and it is wide open.

Photo: ehscapist