Cosmic Latte

Yesterday I learned the average color of the universe is cosmic latte. It made me smile. I thought to myself, I want to drink that. To sip brown sugar stars and steamed milk of fluffy cloud swirls. Lick crystallized specks of sweet sun rays. A dash of tree and a blossom of flower. From the tip of my tongue to down deep in my belly, I absorb and nourish all that I need, and let go of what I don’t. And I feel the universe within me, and know also that I am the universe. Because you are what you eat, or in this case sip.

Tears to Heal: Ayahuasca

It’s 4am and I’m wondering.  I woke up from an alarming dream and tell myself, I will always be a work in progress.  To always have sweet dreams is like only having happy thoughts.  That is not the world, that is not me, and I accept.

To accept myself, I realized under a jungle canopy of twinkling stars, is part of finding myself.  The Ayahuasca was strong in my blood.  I held myself, looking up at the night like a child, I thanked the gods for the beautiful woman they created.  I thanked the universe for this love inside me which I wrapped myself in.  I cried for all the beautiful thoughts that ran like a river, flowing, meandering, weaving through my mind.  My eyes a great canyon for which these thoughts escaped as tears.  So many that the salt seemed to dwindle, to my lips I could barley taste the sea, they were now fresh water.  Water for growing.

And yet, how could love feel so sweetly sorrowful?  The sacrifices of my parents, even before my existence. The torments of those I loved.  The struggles of those and of which I know not.  Heroes. The love I’ve been afraid of.  All of it, I felt.  All of it I released back into the darkness and sent sweetly to the ones I love.  If you wondered was it you?  It was.

That night, I was blessed with the remembrance of my first memory.  In the womb.  I was apart of my mother- The Goddess and my own mother. Protected in a brilliant light of red and orange.  I cried for us, the mothers.  And as the healing song reverberated in my ear in a way that spoke to my spirit, it was then I knew, with more certainty than I’ve ever imagined, one day I will be a mother.

Gracias, Gracias, Gracias.

I’m Still Here…

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve posted!  I’ve been up in the mountains, tucked away, planning and thinking.  And there is so much going on that I will again begin to share with you all.  However, this is a reflective post on turning the big 3-0 a.k.a: dirty 30.

Big sigh…of relief!  I saw my reflection the other day and truly saw myself as a woman: strong, beautiful, and willful.  The days of feeling unsure of who I was or where I was going are gone.  I’ve accepted that everyday I’m learning more about myself, and the future is widely unknown.  I no longer think in terms of how outside influences effect me only, but how my choices reverberate in a multitude of ways.  My satisfaction does not come from the approval of others but out of my own happiness that is being true and real with myself.

It seemed as I drew farther away from my early 20’s, I feared the superficial ideas of what that meant: losing my youth, effects  of aging, ‘taking life seriously,’ etc.  These ideas have transformed into knowing that my spirit will always be youthful; health, happiness, and authenticity is beauty; and life is part doing and part trusting.

These are the positive things you are not told enough. When you’re growing up, you’re growing.  And that is a beautiful thing.

In a couple of weeks I’m embarking on a Central/South America trip. I am so excited to delve into the journey ahead.  With these parts of myself that have grown and developed, I hope I can share with you the ever evolving transformation.

Fighting for Yourself

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Everyday is a challenge. Some days I’ve spent with friends, laughing and dancing until I close my eyes; those are the easily conquered ones.  Some days I can’t stop listening to that voice in my head that says, ‘what are you doing with your life?’  Not a fan of those days.  It’s those days I have to remind myself that life isn’t easy, and I’m not the only one who questions their own path.  A healthy dose of being constantly unsatisfied has kept me fighting.  And fighting for yourself is not giving up on your dreams.

I just finished watching Janis Joplin: Little Girl Blue and felt compelled to write about standing on your own.  This documentary was done so well, and I was reminded of what a true artist she was, a blues artist.  Part of her story really spoke to me and I’ve been finding an uplifting thread lately with being a woman and doing what feels true to yourself.  This idea of fighting for what you want; it’s been keeping me going lately.

“You are what you settle for.” Those words stayed with me after that film and it’s exactly what I’ve been feeling these days.  This relates to my recent job endeavors completely.  I came rolling into Portland all nonchalant, thinking that I was going to freelance write and snag a cool barista day job, be creative and wander around Portland.  Not so much.  Unfortunately, my friendly warnings that getting a job in Portland is hell were true.  I almost bent a little for a corporate barista gig, but upon learning that I’d have to take out my labret piecring, cover any tattoos, and be drug tested, I literally asked, “Am I in Portland?”  I don’t feel bad about declining the position because I haven’t been traveling for 3 years to get a mediocre low wage job where I can’t be myself.  I may as well just go for an ambitious job with benefits if I have to abide by rules.  I repeat, ‘DON’T SETTLE!’

As for the writing, my real passion, I just continue doing it.  Everything else will work around it, and I can’t allow the excuse of ‘nothing is working’ to not write.  It’s why I’ve created my life the way it is, to be this constantly moving equation.  These wandering years have been filling my life with experiences and allowing new scenery, strange and beautiful people, and unconvered mysteries to constantly inspire me.

As I near the end of my 20’s, I feel myself crossing this imaginary threshold of gender expectations and an overall societal pressure to ‘build my foundation.’  But the truth is, I’m kind of irresponsible-in the traditional idea of what ‘responsible’ means anyways. ‘Un-dateable,’ that’s another one I picked up from watching Frances Ha.  But the one responsibility to myself that I must fulfill is writing.  I just went through a low point of being stressed out on life and not writing.  I ate a lot of ice cream too…But I can only stay away from the pen so long, until I really start feeling without worth.  That’s when you know what you should be doing and you owe it to yourself to do it.

FrancesHa

For all those people out there not settling, still fighting for your dreams, I praise you!  Those kinds of people are what make this world beautiful.  I know I am, it’s a constant evolution, and it isn’t always what I had in mind.  I read something the other day about the goal being secondary and process being what really matters.  It’s about what you’re doing now, because the presence is all we have, right?