What Feels Like Home When I’m Home

2 1/2 years since I’ve been home. Among all the jumping around, family celebrations, family drama one easily forgets and amusingly is reminded of, feasts, embraces, glasses clinking- somehow there are moments to breath. Moments to hold on to and cherish. When everything stills as I remember. Yes, I’ve been gone too long.

The song of the cicadas only a native finds soothing. I sit in tall grasses and listen. It brings me back to late summer days and late fall afternoons walking back from soccer practice. Or evenings at home, falling asleep, they’d be singing from my window. This is peace. For me at least.

My nephew asks for hugs and I hold him tight. He shows me how he holds his 2 cats who trust him so much. He checks on me to see if I’m awake so he can greet me with another hug in the morning. Oh, how I’ll miss this. My heart aches, but fills me with wonder. What love is waiting from something 2 people create, I can only imagine.

Driving down winding roads with my best friend from high school. Trees lining the way back home. We stop in the middle of the road to take pictures. We know no one’s coming. With bare feet, I step out onto the gravel, out into the humid air, clean air, country air. We laugh as she directs me.

“Put one leg out. No, the other one. Now walk away from me,” She instructs.

And then we run back into the car which is still on and get to where we’re going.

“Profile worthy,” I proclaim.

Together we sing a throwback song from another time. We know every word. Finally, we’re feeling old.

I sit in the middle of my Dad’s living room, surrounded by framed paintings by William Blake and cat hair. Evlis, his cat, sits by my side. One half of his paw is missing, and when he walks, it reminds me of a pirate with a peg leg. I can always hear him coming.

I look out the windows onto the neighborhood street, and it’s absolutely still and quiet, save for the cicadas and the crickets. What town is this, I wonder, where I can feel like I’m the only person that exists in the middle of this place?

Again when I return, there will be more reminders that fill my memory. From the insect’s songs, to a simple embrace, or another impromptu photo shoot that is sure to ensue. I can’t be gone for this long again.

I’m Still Here…

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve posted!  I’ve been up in the mountains, tucked away, planning and thinking.  And there is so much going on that I will again begin to share with you all.  However, this is a reflective post on turning the big 3-0 a.k.a: dirty 30.

Big sigh…of relief!  I saw my reflection the other day and truly saw myself as a woman: strong, beautiful, and willful.  The days of feeling unsure of who I was or where I was going are gone.  I’ve accepted that everyday I’m learning more about myself, and the future is widely unknown.  I no longer think in terms of how outside influences effect me only, but how my choices reverberate in a multitude of ways.  My satisfaction does not come from the approval of others but out of my own happiness that is being true and real with myself.

It seemed as I drew farther away from my early 20’s, I feared the superficial ideas of what that meant: losing my youth, effects  of aging, ‘taking life seriously,’ etc.  These ideas have transformed into knowing that my spirit will always be youthful; health, happiness, and authenticity is beauty; and life is part doing and part trusting.

These are the positive things you are not told enough. When you’re growing up, you’re growing.  And that is a beautiful thing.

In a couple of weeks I’m embarking on a Central/South America trip. I am so excited to delve into the journey ahead.  With these parts of myself that have grown and developed, I hope I can share with you the ever evolving transformation.

Dream Compilation 2015

  

 Blue lotus Sippin’ 
 8.3.15

I had a dream last night that this alien woman (who looked human) was stealing everything that defined me as fuel to bring herself home to her alien planet.

Her way of transportation was a parachute that would bring you up into outer space from the ground instead of bringing you to the ground from up in the air.  It was orange.

My belongings started to disappear out of thin air.  Just the act of thinking of something I owned would cause it to disappear.  

The first thing was my favorite brown, wooden box that my dad gave me for Christmas one year.  Engraved and painted on it is the Ryder-Waite tarot card of the sun.  A card of hope and good fortune.

I realized that all I would have left is a body, but not even my name to call myself by would be left. 

I lay in my childhood bed.  Everything was dark and bare.  Lifeless.  I lay looking out the window, everything was grey.

9.15.15

Strange dream about a frog that conversed with the holy men.  He was on another level than the humans, but people liked to talk to him, although I seemed unable to.

His housemate was a beautiful woman.  He lamented that he saw her as desirable but he was just a frog.  Strange!

Then I dreamt about the most beautiful sunset and the ocean.  I took pictures of sheep and a shepherd on the horizon.

9.22.15

Dreamt of a frog again with human capabilities.  This time it was steering a canoe behind me.

9.25.15

I had a cosmic dream last night.  Difficult to remember, but there was a teacher presence.  Beautiful swirls of blue.  Pieces of long, thin sticks.  I was asked to write something in the dust.

‘Stand Alone’